NICKNAMES

The McHale Report's managing editor Scott Steinbeck was working at his desk in historic downtown when Max Maxwell, dean of the RGV sportswriters, approached him.

"Don't you like Jason Moody, the BISD's new public information officer?" asked Maxwell.

"He's neither here nor there for me. He seems like a pleasant enough fellow to me. Why?"

"How did 'The Jackal' occur to you as a nickname?"

"It's always fun to welcome a new face with a nickname. It makes him or her nervous because they lose sleep trying to ascertain the implications of being branded."

"Then why 'The Jackal' for Moody?"

"I have a predilection for alliteration and Jason and Jackal seemed to flow. I was thinking on the fly. Why. Do you have something better?"

"It fits within your alliteration style. Call him Jason 'La Monarca' Moody."

"I can go with that. Any particular reason on your part of that designation?"

"For some instinctual reason it just seems to work. It's like poetry that you don't understand, but you like."

"You're the dean, big guy. As our good buddy Rick Lepre says: 'Nobody argues with Max.' From now on it's Jason 'La Monarca' Moody."

BABE RUTH STRIKES OUT AGAINST CHINESE!!!

What are we going to do to China? Trump's rich friends sold out the American worker decades ago to the Chinese for cheaper wages.

Ross Perot chided the American industrialists that we were cutting our own throats by outsourcing the manufacturing of our basic products--shoes, shirts, pants, etc.--instead of keeping our own people employed. But the rich told the working class to go and fuck themselves.

The Chinese have us by the gonads because Trump's billionaire friends put their profits over our people. We can threaten China all we want and they will laugh at our empty words. They've been around 5,000 years. In their ancient eyes, we're still toddlers.

They play the long game.

In baseball terms, they slap a single, steal second, move to third on a grounder to the right side and score on a sacrifice fly. They score four or five runs a game in this manner.

We choose the spectacle of the home run, but the accompanying strikes outs as we are always swinging for the fences results in fewer runs and the Chinese chalk up another victory against the Americans, 5-3.

We learned several years that we were no longer world champions. Poor management has reduced us to mediocrity.

JASON MOODY SITS FOR INTERVIEW

Jason "The Jackal" Moody, the new public information officer for the Brownsville Independent School District (BISD), is well-known in political circles. He has advised scores of candidates who, in the end, have usually lost to Rodrigo Moreno's Pink Ape aspirants.

At The McHale Report we prefer imaginary interviews to the real thing because they don't take much time and they are more enjoyable to pen because we have more of a penchant for fiction than we do for realism although we mix them on occasion which has made Dr. G.F. McHale-Scully, our founder, famous world-wide for creating the fictional/realism genre.

Our good friend Robert Sanchez contributed an inflatable woman to the blog. We filled her with air and her dimensions were quite extraordinary. Sanchez had previously baptized her Nubia and the name seem to fit her sensuous state. We sat her in a comfortable seat. Cris Valadez, ex-County Judge Carlos Cascos' former aide, is a ventriloquist. He sounds quite sexy and he provided the voice. Scott Steinbeck, The McHale Report's managing editor, conducted the Q&A:

"Welcome, Jason. We wish you the best."

Thank-you. I intend to show the blogs the respect they deserve since nobody reads The Brownsville Herald."

"Let's start with the basics. What is the superintendent's name?"

I'm new and I don't know anyone's name yet. It's a big district. On my bucket list learning his name will be my number one priority.

"There are rumors that he considers Brownsville a Third-World City and has chosen to remain in Edinburg from where he was recruited."

If I don't know his name, how the fuck, excuse me, how the heck do I know where he lives?

"Former BISD Trustee Erasmo Castro suggested on his award-winning show Brownsville Talk that you snared this position as a result of Dr. Sylvia Atkinson's recommendation. Is there any truth to that rumor?"

I would hope that I garnered this position based on my merits. I assume all the trustees were unanimous in agreeing that I was the perfect person for the position.

"Do you drink excessively?"

Not at all. I enjoy Happy Hour on occasion, but I am tucked in bed long before the bewitching hour. I rise early every morning because I recite the rosary.

"Do you snort coke or smoke dope?"

That question is entirely inappropriate.

"We're just doing our job, sir. We don't mean to be disrespectful. Moving on to a less controversial subject, the district's attorney Baltazar Salazar intimates that Laura Garza-Perez is the best looking chick on the board. Would you agree with his assessment?"

As a professional, I would like to think that I am more substantial than superficial. In all my relationships with people, it's the inner person and not the outer person that intrigues me. Laura is attractive, but I wouldn't say that she was more attractive than Minera Peña. Again, I'm not interested in facades. A pretty face can hide an ugly character and vice versa.

"Would you characterize the present board as stable or unstable?"

I know that Erasmo Castro has departed even though he was much loved by the students, that Dr. Sylvia Atkinson is in limbo (Some say in hell, he, he, he. Please don't quote me), that Laura Garza-Perez is almost certain to win in November and become the county's next district clerk (Off the record, I am a Democrat and I will be supporting her against Trump's tramp) and that Jessica Tetreau-Kalifa may resign to run the transportation department because she has assured the administration that she can reduce the district's budget substantially washing our vehicles.

"Jessica is a city commissioner. She has nothing to do with the BISD. In fact, I've heard that she sends her kids to St. Joe because there are too many chongs and nacos in the district."

Please forgive me for my ignorance. As I said previously, I'm just learning everyone's names. Since I can use all the help I can get, is Ben Neece a BISD trustee or a city commissioner?

"Ben's with the city. Switching gears, The Brownsville Void's Publisher Booby Witless-Cervezas has been one of the BISD's most relentless critics. Will you be taking his calls or will you inform your secretary to inform him that you are not at your desk?"

I will not be in my office on a regular basis as I intend to be out in the field, but I will make every effort to communicate with him if I am available. Nevertheless, I do want to stress that I will be extremely busy. I hope Mr. Witless-Cervezas is patient because on occasions it may be several weeks before I will be able to return his call, but I've heard that he is a reasonable person and I'm sure he will respect my packed schedule.

"Trustee Phil Cowen, a member of Brownsville's most beloved family, has been complaining in open session that his wife, one of the finest educators in the BISD for years, has been bullied and harassed and intimidated and embarrassed in recent months by her superiors. Would you be so kind as to investigate the matter and gather the facts for us. When you mess with a Cowen, you are messing with Texas. The McHale Report has the Baker Boys investigating the matter, but we could use your support in ferreting out the facts."

I will do my best, but I have an important meeting with the athletic director in 15 minutes. We hardly have any fans at Sam Stadium for the football games because our teams are so terrible, but we have to decide if this season we're going to have any fans at all. Both COVID-19 and losing are extremely infectious. We don't want asymptomatic fans suddenly becoming dreadfully sick watching our teams slaughtered, 50-0.

"We understand. Thank-you for your time. By the way, do you have a cell number so we can contact you in case of an emergency?"

With my new job I'm receiving a significant upgrade in pay and I have traded in my old cell for a new one, but I don't pick it up until tomorrow. Feel free to call the stadium's number. My secretary will promptly relay your message.

"I appreciate the access. Best of luck. And a word of caution: Be careful with El Rrun Rrun's Juan Montoya. According to the chisme, unsubstantiated and from a questionable source, he feels you're the worst hire for an important post since the City hired Carlos Elizondo for fire chief. Juan can be brutal. We don't want to toot our own horn, but The McHale Report is probably the only blog you can trust. Have a good day."

Thank-you, sir. This interview has been a surreal experience for me, but I'm grateful that you have introduced me to the New-Journalism. I realize that I must be careful or somebody will put words in my mouth. You can be certain that I have nothing but the utmost respect for the bloggers and the important contributions they make to our community. Good day, sir.

ode to marco longoria

We are proud products of the middle class
who owe our roots to our working-class ancestors.
We have witnessed firsthand
the abuses and excesses of the privileged.
There will be the empty-headed lackeys
who will insist that we should be grateful
for everything this country has done for us.
Really?
The wealthy treated my ancestors like shit.
Nobody gave my parents or grandparents anything.
Nobody has given me anything.
If there is any presumption of greatness on the part of this nation,
it's our forebears and ourselves who have forged the ideal
of a more perfect union that is more myth than reality,
forever beyond our reach because humanity is imperfect.
Nobody gave us opportunities.
We took opportunities.
Nobody gave us freedoms.
We took freedoms.
We should never forget that our biggest enemies
are the powerful among us.
They are incorrigibly corrupt.
Too much in excess is addictive.
In the end most of our leaders are sick people.
Coronavirus has taught us that wearing masks and gloves
may save us from these megalomaniacs infecting us.
We can never trust anyone who insists that we follow him or her.
We can only trust our instincts to lead the way.

I GIVE THANKS

I give thanks that

I'm not weighed down

with the terrible burden

of defending

a terrible man.

I give thanks

that one day

he will go away

and humanity,

as well as our country,

will be better

without him.

For all the sins

that we have committed

as a nation,

from practicing genocide

against Native Americans

to slavery

to dropping atom bombs

on innocent civilians

to the many other evils

we have unleashed

against our own people

and foreigners

so a few could benefit

to the detriment of the many,

Trump is the dregs

of our iniquitous karma.

We are not great.

We have never been great.

We will never be great.

Trump is living proof of that truth.

We have been brainwashed.

We have been indoctrinated.

We are not humble.

We are not grateful.

We are arrogant and insatiable.

We want more and more

at the expense of others.

I am not proud to be a human being.

I am not proud to be an American.

I temporarily inhabit this planet.

I wasn't.

I am.

I won't be.

I endeavor to contribute to the greater good

as I near the end of my earthly journey.

TRUMP'S DATELINE

"Make America great again," says Donald "Dick" Trump. At The McHale Report we're not quite sure when America was great--a few shining moments don't equate to greatness--but it's obvious that this delusional goal will not be consummated with Trump in office, his idea of consummation measured by the number of harlots he fucks.

Even though Fox News is proclaiming that, with the exception of Jesus Christ, we're fortunate to have this pathological liar leading us to the Promised Land of health and wealth, the truth is the opposite.

Until he realized that he couldn't talk his way out of the Coronavirus peril, he was leading us to hell in a handbasket. This paranoid prevaricator, waving his hands madly that he is the victim of hoaxes and conspiracies, never accepted the warnings of the world's best scientists because he knew more than they as a result of his gut feeling.

We find Trump despicable. When Trump dies and St. Peter performs an autopsy on his wretched soul, he will discover that it is black with mortal sin and he will be sentenced to burn eternally.

But don't misinterpret our sentiments. We don't want thousands suffering and dying of a modern plague in order to remove Trump from office. We don't want millions suffering economically in order to remove Trump from office. Nor do we want a terrorist attack or a futile war costing thousands of lives in order to remove Trump from office. We won't allow a sadistic Trump to turn us into masochists.

We want him removed from office because he is a bad man. He is riddled with vice. His arrogance knows no bounds and now the gods are punishing him for his hubris. He should gouge out his eyes like Oedipus Rex in Sophocles' play.

We want him removed from office because he is incompetent, because he is avaricious, because he is immoral, because he is a piece of human excrement. These are his comments regarding Coronavirus until he woke up one day and could no longer smell the roses. Everything had gone to shit he could no longer deny the truth from his nose:    

Jan. 22: “We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China. We have it under control. It’s going to be just fine.” — Trump in a CNBC interview.

Jan. 30: “We think we have it very well under control. We have very little problem in this country at this moment — five — and those people are all recuperating successfully. But we’re working very closely with China and other countries, and we think it’s going to have a very good ending for us, that I can assure you.” — Trump in a speech in Michigan.

Feb. 10: “Now, the virus that we’re talking about having to do — you know, a lot of people think that goes away in April with the heat — as the heat comes in. Typically, that will go away in April. We’re in great shape though. We have 12 cases — 11 cases, and many of them are in good shape now.” — Trump at the White House.

Feb. 14: “There’s a theory that, in April, when it gets warm — historically, that has been able to kill the virus.  So we don’t know yet; we’re not sure yet. But that’s around the corner.” — Trump in speaking to National Border Patrol Council members.

Feb. 23: “We have it very much under control in this country.” — Trump in speaking to reporters.

Feb. 24: “The Coronavirus is very much under control in the USA. We are in contact with everyone and all relevant countries. CDC & World Health have been working hard and very smart. Stock Market starting to look very good to me!” — Trump in a tweet.

Feb. 26: “So we’re at the low level. As they get better, we take them off the list, so that we’re going to be pretty soon at only five people. And we could be at just one or two people over the next short period of time. So we’ve had very good luck.” — Trump at a White House briefing.

Feb. 26: “And again, when you have 15 people, and the 15 within a couple of days is going to be down to close to zero, that’s a pretty good job we’ve done.” — Trump at a press conference.

Feb. 26: “I think every aspect of our society should be prepared. I don’t think it’s going to come to that, especially with the fact that we’re going down, not up. We’re going very substantially down, not up.” — Trump at a press conference, when asked if “U.S. schools should be preparing for a coronavirus spreading.”

Feb. 27: “It’s going to disappear. One day — it’s like a miracle — it will disappear.” — Trump at a White House meeting with African American leaders.

Feb. 29: “And I’ve gotten to know these professionals. They’re incredible. And everything is under control. I mean, they’re very, very cool. They’ve done it, and they’ve done it well. Everything is really under control.” — Trump in a speech at the CPAC conference outside Washington, D.C.

March 4: “[W]e have a very small number of people in this country [infected]. We have a big country. The biggest impact we had was when we took the 40-plus people [from a cruise ship]. We brought them back. We immediately quarantined them. But you add that to the numbers. But if you don’t add that to the numbers, we’re talking about very small numbers in the United States.” — Trump at a White House meeting with airline CEOs.

March 4: “Well, I think the 3.4% is really a false number.” — Trump in an interview on Fox News, referring to the percentage of diagnosed COVID-19 patients worldwide who had died, as reported by the World Health Organization.

March 7: “No, I’m not concerned at all. No, we’ve done a great job with it.” — Trump, when asked by reporters if he was concerned about the arrival of the coronavirus in the Washington, D.C., area.

March 9: “So last year 37,000 Americans died from the common Flu. It averages between 27,000 and 70,000 per year. Nothing is shut down, life & the economy go on. At this moment there are 546 confirmed cases of CoronaVirus, with 22 deaths. Think about that!” — Trump in a tweet.

March 10: “And we’re prepared, and we’re doing a great job with it. And it will go away. Just stay calm. It will go away.” — Trump after meeting with Republican senators.

A DAY LATER , ON MARCH 11, THE WHO DECLARED THE GLOBAL OUTBREAK A PANDEMIC.